| (no subject) |
[Feb. 12th, 2009|12:13 pm] |
I'm just gonna move right past where I explain/apologise/justify my silence on LJ and post.
I am okay, work is very very very busy but meaningful and intellectually stimulating, and my social life has escalated beyond compare. I previously used to not go anywhere on the weekends, but I no longer have that option/luxury. I love my friends, and I am now meeting new people and making new friends who are very electic and interesting. And I have a blast everytime I'm out. All that's just dandy and I am thankful for my life on a day-to-day basis.
But I seem to be greatly unlucky in romance. I think i may finally have gotten over Othello but not entirely. At this point it is more the love I seem to have for the kind of relationship I had with him than the love that I have/had for him. But the real test of course is how I'd feel if I were to see him in person and especially if I see him with anyone he's dating or in a relationship with. So till the time I can be sure that even the vestiges of my love have vapourised, I'm maintaining the lack of contact with him.
The French tourist thing died down, was resurrected, was breathed fresh life into, even walked with a spring in its step, but all only to finally die down again. For good this time. We had been talking almost everyday and he even came down to Singapore to spend time with me a couple of weeks back, and I realised that I liked him more than I thought I did. But in our brief talk about the subject, I realised there was absolutely no future in this "relationship". After mulling over things, my recent history, I came to a decision that I needed to nip this thing in the bud. Before I somehow ended up getting hurt again. So I told him that no hard feelings, but this had to stop. It's hard, and I miss him, but if it feels like a bummer now, it would be worse in a couple of months. And I just do not have the strength for yet another failed attempt at having a lasting relationship, not when I'm not 100% recovered from the previous one.
Maybe it is the Asian in me, or the age, or just my disposition in life - whatever it is I can't reel in my feelings. I'm all or nothing; I can either do one-nighters or a full-blown I'm-madly-in-love-with-you-and-hopefully-will-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-you thing. I am not lookign to get married anytime soon, but I think I have reached that stage where I feel I want a loving long-term relationship that has potential to endure through the future.
Having gotten to that stage, and then realising I'm very likely not going to even have a single interesting date till the time I leave Singapore, has been hard. I really meant it when I said I am very happy with my life on a day-to-day basis - I smile, I laugh, I truly enjoy my moments and what they bring - but sometimes it hits me that for at least the next 6 months to a year, I'm not even going to have a date I'm excited about. And that ... blows.
Compounding that is a fact that I still miss Philly and know there's nothing I can do about that for at least a year. The earliest I can realistically get back to Philly would be summer 2010, being a foreigner and all. I honestly don't know what avenues I can explore for getting a job and moving back to Philly within the year. That's sorta left me feeling down, too.
In sum: I'm happy, I'm okay, but... |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2008|10:49 am] |
It's been ages since I posted anything substantial. A few things have been getting in the way of that - nothing of substance has really happened. That said, here are a few things worth mentioning.
I got my paperwork sorted and am now finally a PA attorney. The next step is for me to talk to Boss and try to get promoted at work, as a Foreign Lawyer. Things at work have been kinda quiet this weke since half my team is on leave and most of the major pieces of work for the year are done. I suppose I shoudl take this opportunity to talk to my boss but man, I am not looking forward to it. Mostly because I'm afraid I'll be told status quo is gonna be maintained. The firm holds all the chips and given the economic climate, it is most likely to say just that. Which is terribly unfair and all that, but what am I gonna do right. Throw in the towel?
Next Friday, I am going to India with my folks for a week. To visit a couple of temples, and my grandparents and some uncles and aunts, whom I haven't seen in 6 years. The last time I met them was before I left for the US, close to 6 years ago.
My social life's humming but only because I'm going out with friends. No guys in the picture. I've come to the conclusion that being a single non-Chinese girl in S'pore past the age of 25 can never be good. Relationship-wise. I don't mind dating anyone younger than me but most non-Chinese younger guys are married, sometimes with kids. And I just don't find Chinese guys attractive, purely from an aesthetics perspective. No racism to it, which is kinda bad cos if there were, I might at least try to change that mindset! The worst thing is that the whites in S'pore seem to have yellow fever; Chinese girls are IT. That's taking some getting used to, coming from Philly. And of course, it narrows the dating pool considerably for me. So basically I should move out of S'pore if I want to start dating again without totally compromising my standards.
Which leads to my next woe. As much as I miss Philly and the US in general, I don't see how I can get back in the next year. The earliest i can see it happening is early 2010. It's demotivating to see news on layoffs, especially in the legal circles, and it does nothing to motivate me to send out resumes or whatever.
All in all, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and see no way out of it. My day-to-day life is just fine, because it is filled with a myriad of distractions. But if I pause to think about the big picture, about my life as a whole, it is terrifying and saddening. |
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| Election! |
[Nov. 5th, 2008|10:09 am] |
I have had my doubts about the voters' judgment, but it looks like America might just get it right this time. Even if it is four years late.
GO PA!!!!
I am so excited about this election that it feels bizarre and flatout wrong to me that instead of being out at a bar with a rowdy and enthusiastic crew of Americans cheering as the results roll in, I'm sitting in the office on Nov 5th morning trying to get my day's legal research started.
Next election, though, things will be different. I've made a personal promise to myself that I WILL be in the thick of the action.
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| Back |
[Aug. 8th, 2008|11:22 am] |
Arrived wednesday morning. Slept 14 straight hours. Decided to go to work on Thursday even though I was officially on leave till Monday. Good decision. Shopped and met D Thursday evening, and got home at 11.30pm. Slept from midnight till 3.50am. Wide awake till 6.30am. Showered and here I am now, at work.
Meaty posts are long overdue on my exam, trip, meeting with She Says over at Unblague. I beg your indulgence another day or two. Seriously need some time to catch my breath and readjust to being back.
But advance congratulations to She Says and SM on their impending nuptials. Terrific couple. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2008|10:57 pm] |
Done. Exhausted. Still not totally over jetlag. Missing Othello. Loving being back in Philly, hating being back in Philly. HATING being back in Philly.
Done. Exhausted. |
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| From Philly |
[Jul. 28th, 2008|01:11 am] |
Landed last evening, came to my friend's place by 9.30pm. Like to think I slept off my jetlag. I read all of crim pro this morning. Sometime later today, I wanna issue-spot all the essay questions from 2006 onwards to spot employment discrimination and DUI issues. Then maybe do some Con law studying.
It feels really surreal being back in Philly. I miss it now worse then ever. But before I go into all that, BAR. Must focus! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2008|01:31 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | me, philly | ] |
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I miss Philly like crazy. When I think of when I used to be there, walking around, knowing where all the Rite-Aid's and Super-Fresh's were, it feels surreal. Like I used to know and live in that place in a prior lifetime. The weather report I see on yahoo.com makes no sense to me, although it was my guiding light each morning for 4 years.
As much as I want to be back there and I'm trying to come up with ideas to achieve that objective, I am overwhelmed by the number of hoops I have to jump through to even stand a decent shot at making it back. It's proving tough to not lose hope every now and then. |
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